Bathroom a la Guitar

I'm planning my dream bathroom. It may take some doing, though, to get these accoutrements past the re-decorating committee but I'm not compromising. Not even on the soap dish.

Before you ask, the cheese grater is for the callouses on my feet.

Dozing With the iPod

Who's at the wheel here? Anyone? Has this blog dozed off or something?

Well, sort of. Posting has become intermittent. I still pick up the guitars -- although not as often lately, it seems -- and enjoy them but other things have been keeping me busy lately. When/if inspiration strikes, activity here will pick up.

Until then, all I can do is put the iPod on shuffle and see what it sings:

• "Don't Back Down," Beach Boys
• "Helter Skelter," U2
• "The Bottle," Pat Green
• "Let Me Love You, Baby," Stevie Ray Vaughan
• "Boogie Chillen," Canned Heat & John Lee Hooker
• "'Til the Money Runs Out," Tom Waits
• "Lonesome Fugitive," Merle Haggard
• "It's Only Rock 'n' Roll," Bon Jovi
• "Good-Hearted Woman," Waylon Jennings
• "I Still Can't Believe You're Gone," Willie Nelson
• "Splendid Isolation," Warren Zevon
• "Heard It on the X," ZZ Top
• "Howlin' at the Moon," Hank Williams

The Politics of a Smashed Guitar

Here are a couple of things I'm not down with -- crimes against crimes against guitars and politicians with guitars.

This blog has long stood in unwavering opposition to guitar smashing (although Pete Townshend has a lifetime get-out-of-jail-free card) so it was nice to read about a guitar fighting back and taking a piece out of would-be guitar smasher.

The rapper known as The Game was shooting a video for a song last week and apparently thought busting up an acoustic splinters would make a creative statement of some sort. A piece of the shattered guitar ended up cutting one of his fingers and Game had to go to the hospital to stitched up.

And then there's Mike Huckabee, the former Arkansas governor, 2010 Republican presidential candidate and Fox News political pundit. He's a bass player from way back and stopped in recently at the massive National Association of Music Merchants trade show in Anaheim, Calif. When somebody stuck a bass in his hands and Huckabee ended jamming with Phil Collen, the Def Leppard guitarist, and a guy from Martin, as seen in the photo on the left and this video.

"One of things I feel we've got to learn is that music is a life skill," Huckabee told the masses at NAMM. "People my age aren't playing tackle football anymore but I'm still playing msuic. In fact, I'm having more fun now doing it that I've ever had in my life because I'm doing it for the joy of it."

Huckabee also spoke about how important it is for schools not to drop their music and arts programs. So maybe I'm going to have to rethink my stand on guitar-playing (and bass-playing) politicians.

Guitar Quote of the Year (Maybe of the Decade)

It's only Jan. 10 and we already have a winner in the Guitar Quote of the Year competition. The winner is Mr. Keith Urban of Nashville, Tenn., by way of Brisbane, Australia.

Urban was discussing the flood last year that inundated the Nashville storage facility where he kept his valuable guitar collection and told Guitar Aficionado magazine:

Computer Nerd vs. Guitar Nerd

Little Miss Big-Time Movie Star Gwneth Paltrow is talking trash about me. She says I'm a nerd.

Paltrow took up guitar in order to play a country singing star on the skids in the movie "Country Strong" and even got lessons from her husband Chris Martin, who happens to be the frontman of Coldplay. She's sticking with the guitar but sounds a little disdainful of pluck and pickers like me.

"I'm such a nerd," she told one interviewer. "I go on the Internet and I get the chords of a song. I love it. I do it all the time. If there's a chord I don't know, you can go on the Web and see it drawn out ... It's nerdy. The musicians I know would not have to do that."

I'm not sure how all my rock star friends do it and I'm stuck with a spouse who doesn't know a thing about the guitar but Miss Paltrow just described my standard instructional technique. Sitting there at the computing machine, Googling up chords and tablature for songs I want to play.

There's no shame in playing your guitar in front of the computer. It's possible to be a computer nerd and a guitar nerd at the same time.

New Year, New Randomness

A new month in a new year, which means it's time to put the iPod on shuffle and see what the musical gods want me to hear in 2011. It goes a little something like this:

• "What Can I Say," Boz Scaggs
• "Dead Flowers" (live), Willie, Keith Richards, Ryan Adams & Hank III
• "For Your Love" (live), Patti Smith
• "Playin' It Safe," Tracy Nelson
• "A Stone's Throw Away," Valerie Carter
• "Rita May" (live), Bob Dylan
• "In the Open" (live), Stevie Ray Vaughan
• "Depot, Depot," Tom Waits
• "Hateful," The Clash
• "Que Sera, Sera," Dave Alvin & the Guilty Women   
• "That's How I Got to Memphis," Buddy & Julie Miller
• "Burning," Zachary Richard
• "South by Southwest," Delbert McClinton & Lee Roy Parnell

My Conversations With Rock Stars, Part 40

Mine is changing, too. From bad to worse.

Stray Notes

There's an article in Acoustic Guitar magazine titled "How to Flatpick Fiddle Tunes Like the Pros." I just read it but I still can't. Can even flatpick those fiddle tunes like a rank amateur because I didn't understand more than three consecutive words of the piece. So don't come up to me and ask me to play "Shove the Pig's Foot a Little Closer to the Fire." I'll just act like I didn't hear you ...

Another long-gone Texas bluesman is getting some recognition. About six weeks after a plaque went up in Houston to honor Lightnin' Hopkins, Blind Willie Johnson got his own plaque in Beaumont.

Johnson roamed East Texas, mixing blues and gospel and singing in a voice that could be described as a rumbling growl or a growling rumble. As this Texas Monthly story tells it, he left behind a lot of legend, mystery and myth when he died in 1945, as well as a legacy of how to play slide guitar.

Austin guitarist Steve James gives a lesson on Willie in this video ...

They keep coming up with guitar accessories like the doohicky on the left, which is called a piknboard. It's a miniature rub board that attaches to your soundhole for a little extra percussion. Ideal for the guitarist who aspires to be a one-person zydeco band. I'm not sure how you would work an accordion in to your guitar, though.

You can get a piknboard for $30 here.

The way to girl's heart apparently is through her guitar strap.

At least that's the approach Taylor Swift's boyfriend, actor Jake Gyllenhaal, is taking. As a 21st birthday present for Swift, Gyllenhaal reportedly spent $11,000 on a vintage Gretsch guitar autographed by Chet Atkins.

Make It a Merry One

The Captain's 10 Guitar Commandments

Captain Beefheart's music was beyond avant garde. Several miles beyond avant garde, it seemed, and out of range for my tastes (what would you expect of a high school classmate of Frank Zappa?). But critics consider his cacophonous 1969 album "Trout Mask Replica" a landmark work (No. 58 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest albums) and lots of rock musicians cite him as an influence.

Don Van Vliet (the captain's legal name) died of multiple sclerosis last week in California, almost three decades after he had given up the music business in favor of painting. But long ago he issued his 10 commandments for guitarists, which are about what you'd expect from someone who came up with song titles like "Big Black Baby Shoe" and "Ice Cream for Crow."

• LISTEN TO THE BIRDS: That's where all the music comes from. Birds know everything about how it should sound and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds. They fly really fast but a lot of times they aren't going anywhere. (Dogs know a lot about music, too. I can make the howl.)

• YOUR GUITAR IS NOT REALLY YOUR GUITAR: Your guitar is a divining rod. Use it to find spirits in the other world and bring them over. A guitar is also a fishing rod. If you're good, you'll land a big one. (The guitar also can be used as a frying pan to cook any fish you might catch.)

• PRACTICE IN FRONT OF A BUSH: Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush doesn't shake, eat another piece of bread. (One night I went through a loaf of whole wheat, two baguettes and a substantial stack of that flat Indian bread. Damn bush just sat there.)

• WALK WITH THE DEVIL: Old Delta blues players referred to guitar amplifiers as the "devil box." And they were right. You have to be an equal opportunity employer in terms of who you're bringing over from the other side. Electricity attracts devils and demons. Other instruments attract other spirits. An acoustic guitar attracts Casper. A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an electric guitar attracts Beelzebub. (My playing attracts mostly flies.)

• IF YOU'RE GUILTY OF THINKING, YOU'RE OUT: If your brain is part of the process, you're missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you have something that is fur bearing. (This drowning man technique sounds like something I can handle.)

• NEVER POINT YOUR GUITAR AT ANYONE: Your instrument has more clout than lightning. Just hit a big chord then run outside to hear it. But make sure you are not standing in an open field. (When guitars are outlawed, only outlaws will have guitars.)

• ALWAYS CARRY A CHURCH KEY: That's your key-man clause. Like One String Sam. He's one. He was a Detroit street musician who played in the fifties on a homemade instrument. His song "I Need a Hundred Dollars" is warm pie. Another key to the church is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin' Wolf's guitar player. He just stands there like the Statue of Liberty — making you want to look up her dress the whole time to see how he's doing it. (I have to ask -- what kind of pie?)

• DON'T WIPE THE SWEAT OFF YOUR INSTRUMENT: You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music. (Stinking music -- this one is within my reach.)

• KEEP YOUR GUITAR IN A DARK PLACE: When you're not playing your guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don't play your guitar for more than a day, be sure you put a saucer of water in with it. (Absolutely; I'll put a fifth of Patron, lemons and salt in there if it'll help me play better.)

• YOU GOTTA HAVE A HOOD FOR YOUR ENGINE: Keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a roof on your house, the hot air can't escape. Even a lima bean has to have a piece of wet paper around it to make it grow. (Yes, on hats. The bigger the better.)

Happy Birthday, KR

It's Keith Richards' 147th birthday! Actually, only his 67th birthday but his mileage is pretty high for a 67-year-old.

To mark the occasion, here is an instructional video from himself on how to execute classic guitar-slinging rock star stage moves. As you'll see, the key is kicking out the left leg and yanking the right hand up at just the right moment as if the guitar was hot.

Learn from the master.

My Conversations With Rock Stars, Part 39

I'm a guitar legend in the making.

Strings & Things

If playing those guitar apps on your iPhone or iTouch doesn't seem real enough, try this device called the Fingerist ($150). It gives you a semi-guitarish body and you plant the iPhone/iTouch in the fretboard area and run guitar simulation app like Garage Band or Guitar.

It has a volume control, plugs into an amp and comes with a strap and gig bag...

Not everything is manufactured in China these days but it seems like everything is counterfeited there -- and that would include D'Addario guitar strings.

U.S. Senator Charles Schumer of New York is on the case, however. He went to the D'Addario manufacturing plant on Long Island this week and said he's asking federal agencies to crackdown on the long-running problem of intellectual property violations in China. He's also calling on a China-based website to stop selling the bogus strings.

D'Addario was started in New York in the 1930s by Italian immigrants and is still a family-run operation. Guitarists who play D'Addarios include Johnny Winter, Robert Cray, Lou Reed, Robert Earl Keen and yours very truly (I don't have an endorsement contract, though) ...

Look at the names in that file cabinet below -- Jeff Beck, Eric Clapton, Boz Scaggs, Buddy Guy. That's a picture from the Fender custom shop in Corona, Calif., where the superstars go to have guitars built to their precise specifications. I'm sure my file is in there somewhere. Probably in the very back, which is why you can't see it.

An interesting story on the custom shop here.

My Conversations With Rock Stars, Part 38

Mathematical? Please, no! Let's not bring math into this. It's hard enough already.

Rock a Lock

This item, which is called a Rock Lock, will not be on my Christmas wish list.

Not that it isn't a good way to prevent guitar theft. You just loop one end of the cable around something not easily moved and lock the other end on the neck of your guitar. Great for a performer who wants to ensure his Strat will still be on stage when the returns from a break or for someone who wants to keep a presumptious roommate from using his guitar without permission.

.

But if the Rock Lock was allowed in my house, I'm sure my family would lock up all my guitars and throw away the keys. Then they'd give me some line about the guitars being in protective custody or something.

Holly Jolly Shuffle

Since it's December it was nice to see a Christmas song turn up in the monthly iPod random play.

• "I Miss You So," Jimmie Vaughan
• "The Weight," Joe Cocker
• "Nolan Street Bridge," The Krayolas
• "Patience," Guns 'N Roses
• "Dallas," Joe Ely
• "I Wanna Be Sedated," The Ramones
• "Santa Claus Got the Blues," The Drifters
• "Travelin' Light," Robert Earl Keen
• "Twilight," Jon Dee Graham
• "Working for the Man," Roy Orbison
• "Mr. Mudd and Mr. Gold," Townes Van Zandt
• "Lost in the Shuffle," Bugs Henderson
• "Now She's Gone," Bobby Fuller Four

My Conversations With Rock Stars, Part 37

And you are admired around the world for your guitar work.

Who's No. 1?

Jimmy Page has a favorite finger -- his left ring finger. Page broke his in 1975 while getting off a train in England and said it was especially unfortunate to break the left ring finger because it's "the most important finger for a guitarist ... the one that does all the leverage and most of the work."

I'm not sure I agree with Page's premise. If there is an El Supremo among a guitarist's fingers, speaking as a right-hander, it most definitely would be on the left hand, the one doing all the fretting. Let's face it, any finger or fingers on the right hand can do the strumming and picking work. That job often gets sub-contracted out to a piece of plastic anyway.

If you're going to pick a most valuable finger on the left hand, I would start by ruling out the pinky, just because it's so puny. But I'm not willing to choose a favorite among the index, middle and ring fingers. Call me a wild-eyed, Kenyan-born socialist but I like to think of those three fingers as equals, part of a collective working for the common good of the guitar and sharing the resulting glory.

If I played before audiences, though, my middle finger would take on greater importance because I'm sure I would have to use it frequently in response to hecklers. And I guess I shouldn't marginalize my right thumb because of the key role it plays in pulling credit cards from my wallet when I go into a guitar store.

For the record, despite that broken No. 1 finger in '75, Page went on tour with Led Zeppelin as scheduled, altering his technique a bit to let the unbroken fingers pick up the slack of the bum ring finger. But in 2007, as Led Zeppelin was about to start a much-awaited reunion tour, Page again broke a finger in a fall in his garden (must have been startled by a bustle in a hedgerow) and the tour had to be delayed for two weeks.


Which finger did he break? The runty little pinky.

My Conversations With Rock Stars, Part 36

What am I supposed to say to that?

Stray Notes

The late Lightnin' Hopkins gets some overdue recognition on Saturday in Houston. It will be Lightnin' Hopkins Day and a state historical marker will be placed on Dowling Street in the city's Third Ward, where Hopkins spent much of his life. The site is near where Hopkins used to catch the bus and play as he rode and the dedication ceremony will feature a performance by Lightnin's cousin, Milton Hopkins.

Hopkins, who died in 1982 at the age of 69, was an influence not only on other bluesmen but performers as disparate as ZZ Top and Townes Van Zandt and Houston resident Eric Davis thought it was a shame that there was no formal recognition for him in his hometown. Davis petitioned, campaigned and raised money for a year to make the marker a reality, accoding to the Houston Chronicle ...

A few months ago that beautiful guitar was part of the most famous tree in Maine, a 217-year-old, 110-foot-tall elm known as Herbie.

Herbie was believed to be the biggest and oldest elm in New England but his 15th case of Dutch elm disease proved to be fatal and he had to be cut down in January. Instead of making firewood out of the 10 tons of tree leftover, the town of Yarmouth passed out pieces of Herbie to artists, craftsmen and luthier Andrew Olson of Freeport, Maine, even though elm is not one of your main guitar-making woods.


On Saturday all the vases, bowls, furniture, jewelry boxes, sculptures, baseball bats and other items that were made from Herbie will be auctioned with the proceeds going to the Yarmouth Tree Trust. Olson says bidding on the guitar will start at $3,500 (check out his other work at his website) ...

I once cut my own guitar pick out of an old credit card but there's an easier way to make your own -- the pick punch.

Pickpunch.com sells this handy little punch ($25) with which you can create your own design from anything thin, firm and plastic-y. It also sells sheets of nylon, polycarbonate and other materials so you can set up your plectrum factory.