Seasonal Greetings

WWKRD?

When the question of "who would you invite to your ultimate dinner party" comes up, the first name on my guest list is always Keith Richards. If the dinner chatter ever stalled, you could always talk about all that stuff he's got hanging in his hair.

Having kicked the drug thing and now relatively mature at 65, he's gotten down to his philosophical core, which as the book "What Would Keith Richards Do?" shows, is fairly deep, generous, accepting and irresistably honest. Author Jessica Pallington West lays it all out in a chapter titled "The 26 Ten Commandments of Keith Richards," which probably could be condensed to know yourself and "there's always the future." Drawing on Keith's mumblings over the past 40 years, she compares his thoughts to the likes of heavyweights like Socrates, Plato, Nietzsche and John Locke and the old boy comes off pretty well.

"The good die young but, hey, where does that leave me?" he asks.

It leaves him still going strong despite all the booze, drugs, debauchery, arrests, fistfights, house fires, car wrecks, cigarettes, falls from ladders and trees and a close working relationship with Mick Jagger.

"It's not that easy to be Keith Richards," he says, "but it's not so hard either."

Here are my favorite Keith-talks-guitar quotes from the book:

• "You look at it and it's a ... tennis racquet but the more you find out about it, the more you don't know. Which is great because it means you've still got more to find out."
• "Everybody should be born with a guitar. There'd be far less suicides."
• "If I was suddenly stuck alone, I could probably stop myself from going mad as long as I had a guitar."
• "I found a new chord the other day ... That's what's beautiful about the guitar. You think you know it all but it keeps opening up doors. I look at life as six strings and 12 frets. If I can't figure out everything that's in there, what chance do I have of figuring out anything else?"

Keith's fingers aren't just sticky; they're gnarled and swollen at the knuckles. I came across this photograph in a Google search and was amazed that he can even hold a guitar, much less play one. A London newspaper speculates that he's got some major arthritis going on.

More Trick, Less Treat

I'm trying to persuade my wife to wear this guitar costume for Halloween. No luck so far.

Maybe I'll just wear it myself. That would be really scary.

A Strat Walks Into a Bar ...

Regarding the No. 8 item on last week's post, the PaLG joke factory has been working overtime and came up with the following bit of comedy gold. If you suffer from split sides due to convulsive laughter after reading this joke, my legal team has assured me that I am not liable.

A sunburst Stratocaster walks into a bar, orders a beer and takes a stool next to a hot-looking Les Paul Goldtop, who's sipping an umbrella drink. The Strat leers at the Les Paul for several minutes and then says, "Hey, that's some set of humbuckers you got on you, darlin'."

"You're not getting any feedback from me with a cheap pickup line like that!" the Goldtop says indignantly.

I know, I know -- too guitar-specific for a general audience and too inane for guitar-specific audience. But, as previously noted, guitar humor is not a thriving field.

15 More Things

Just because I'm so darn fascinating and because my guitar playing is so compelling, here are 15 more things about me and the guitar to go with the previous 25:

1. Before I took up guitar, I didn't listen to instrumentals. With no words to sing along to, I just wasn't interested. Now I love to put on some lyric-less Dick Dale or Leo Kottke or Link Wray because I can now appreciate what goes into making that sound.
2. The original bridge pins on my Alvarez were white with black dots. A while back I switched to black pins with white dots. This did not improve my playing.
3. I'm no masochist but I like it when my fingertips are sore. That means I've been working at it a lot and enjoying it a lot.
   
4. It amazes me that Leo Fender couldn't play the instruments he designed.
5. I think if I started taking lessons again I could really make a leap.
6. Once I start to get a song down, I tend to get tired of it and want to move on to something new. I wonder if I have a case of adult attention deficit disorder or something along those ... Hey, look! There's something shiny!
   
7. I played so well yesterday I thought I was wearing someone else's fingers.
8. I'm working on a joke that starts "A Gold Top Les Paul and a Sunburst Strat walk into a bar ..." but that's as far as I've gotten. I can't even decide what kind of drinks they would order.
9. I would have enjoyed "It Might Get Loud" more if the director had found someone other than Jack White to represent the younger generation. No disrespect to Mr. White.
10. There's something about the fretboard that bothers me. There are markers on the third, fifth, seventh and ninth frets but the next one is the double-dot marker on the12th. Shouldn't it have been on the 11th fret? Can anyone tell me why?
    
11. If I ever have to tune a guitar by ear, I'm sunk.
12. I recently put a ding on the front of the Alvarez when I accidentally knocked a stapler off the desk. It's not especially ugly but I was briefly distraught.
13. Finger-picking sure sounds prettier than strumming but I'm just not ready for it yet.
14. I'll never be able to do a full F chord but I'm OK with that. I've got the baby F down.
15. Regarding No. 12, it already had a couple of other minor dings. That just gives it character, right?

Leftovers

As I continue my quest to find a 1959 Les Paul priced under $100, I'll have an appropriate book to read. Author Tony Bacon gives a history of the legendary '59 in "Million Dollar Les Paul" as he tries to find out if an LP -- considered the closest thing to a perfect guitar by many -- has ever sold for seven figures. I'm placing my order for the book with Amazon as soon as I finish this sentence.

I'm back. Amazon indicates Bacon has written a bunch of guitar books, including "Six Decades of the Fender Telecaster" as well has having edited "Totally Guitar: The Definitive Guide" ...

The Texas Longhorns' guitar-playing star wide receiver, Jordan Shipley, talked about his music with The New York Times. He even writes songs with his dad, likes to jam around the campfire and picks with country singer Aaron Watson ...

A football player and a guitar are one thing; a politician and a guitar are another thing altogether. But last week in Washington, keyboardist Chuck Leavell, who's been a regular with the Allman Brothers, the Fabulous Thunderbirds and, for a long time now, the Rolling Stones, recently brought Minnesota Representative Collin Peterson onstage to play on "Brown Sugar" and "Dead Flowers" at a benefit for the American Forest Foundation. If you don't believe me, see it here.

Guitar Fashion Tips

You can't find much about guitar fashion in the mainstream media so I'll be happy to cover it here.

Today we'll consider belt buckles. It seems the Internet is just about overflowing with guitar-influenced belt buckles. (Click on the pictures to enlarge for better viewing.)

You can go with a basic model like the generic headstock on the above-left or show your product loyalty with something like the Strat buckle just below it. Google around enough and you'll find plenty of Les Paul-style buckles, too.

Head-bangers have lots of buckle choices that are guaranteed to frighten the general citizenry. The one on the left is pretty damn classy, what with the dragon hand and the skulls on the tuning pegs and all.

But what if you're more concerned with function rather than fashion and are looking for something with a practical application. In that case, try the buckle shown below. It holds your picks as well as your pants.

I came across a few examples of guitar-influenced suspenders but I think only banjo players should wear suspenders.

Miscellaneous

If the guitar makes you feel generous, there are some good guitar-related charities around.

Guitars for Vets describes its mission as enhancing the lives of injured military veterans by providing them with guitars and instruction. The group got its start a couple of years ago when a guitar student told his teacher how playing had helped him with his Vietnam-era post-traumatic distress syndrome. They came up with a great slogan -- "It's the healing power of music in the hands of heroes."

Hungry for Music of Washington, D.C., works to get guitars into the hands of underprivileged kids in hopes of keeping them out of trouble, much like the previously mentioned Guitars Not Guns. All three organizations will take donations of cash or guitars ...


The GuitarTalk sidebar on the right has some new musing from Robbie Robertson and Joe Perry ...

Meet the lovechild of Leo Fender and Alexander Graham Bell. This special sunburst edition of T-Mobile's myTouch smartphone was done in conjunction with the Fender people and comes in a "guitar-inspired wood-grain finish." It will come with some pre-loaded music but there's no word yet on the price. I bet it will cost more than a Fender Squier, though.

Scenes From My Life (Continued)

If he were still alive, Rodney Daingerfield, who didn't get any respect either, would play me in this movie.

Scene III

A middle-aged wanna-be guitarist father sits on his bed strumming what sounds vaguely like the Stones' "Shine a Light." Lanky, floppy-haired teenaged son enters the room.

Father (fishing for a compliment but knowing he's taking a chance): So, you haven't complained about my guitar playing lately.
Son: No, I've just given up.

Scene IV

A few minutes later, the undaunted father tries the same tactic on the teenage daughter.

Father (still fishing): Well, I haven't heard you complain about my guitar playing in quite a while now.
Daughter: No, I just tune it out.

Photo Album

I've heard about guitar stores that had signs like this but I figured the stories were just apocryphal. What do they mean no "Smoke on the Water??" Try and stop me!

(Click the picture to enlarge if you can't read the sign.)

I'll never have to worry about being the guy in this cartoon. That's because I'll never have an expensive, finely crafted guitar.

The sculpture below is called Cubist Guitar. The sculptress said she got frustrated with trying to learn to play so she broke the guitar and was thus "inspired with the idea to do a more contemporary construction of a cubist guitar." Is a crime against a guitar too high a price to pay for another art form?

Sounds Like New Strings

I've been at this guitar thing for 22 months now so why do I still get so excited about every successful change of strings?

Every time I swap them out and get the Alvarez tuned up again I want to celebrate the fact I didn't somehow terminally screw up the guitar. Plus, when I play those new strings, I think, "Ah, so this is how it's supposed to sound."

Plus, you can use the old strings to spell out acronyms.

Calling Mr. Jobs

As always, I start the month by putting the iPod on shuffle to see what Steve Jobs wants me to hear. It's pretty much the only communication I have with Steve these days. Apparently he was in a Link Wray mood today with two choices from "Wray's Three-Track Shack,"

• "Badlands," Bruce Springsteen
• "All You Need Is Love," the Beatles
• "Born to Run," Emmylou Harris
• "Turn It Up," Todd Snider
• "Werewolves of London" (live), Warren Zevon
• "Texas Me," Doug Sahm
• "A Little Help From My Friends" (live), Joe Cocker
• "Amoreena" (live), Elton John
• "Days Before Custer," Link Wray
• "Splash 1," 13th Floor Elevators
• "Touch, Feel, Lose," Ryan Adams
• "Amen," Otis Redding
• "Juke Box Mama," Link Wray